Katie D. Arnold- Writer

Category: Illness-Struggles-Hope

  • Anger is an Emotion

    Anger-ugh, I don’t like to feel it but it comes up a lot these days. I think my anger comes out the most when I am ultimately feeling hurt and misunderstood. So what happened recently to evoke this emotion? Well you will be surprised to to find out it wasn’t evoked by the two biggest culprits who evoke this emotion, my ex-husband and my sister, no it was strangers this time which is weird for me- here goes:

    My neighborhood has a pool that our HOA dues allow us to have access to and I would like to point out I am up to date on my dues, that was not the issue. So the pool has a gate and key cards apparently to get in, however I was never truly informed with how this works as I just bought the house 1 year ago, last June. Now last year they were having issues with the key card system and therefore letting everyone sign in with their address and were super nice about it. This was not the case yesterday when we tried to access the pool and we were met by a very rude male teenage lifeguard who was not going to let us in due to the fact that we didn’t have a key card. Well I will admit this escalated my temper as an HOA paying homeowner and someone who had not been previously informed when I bought the house how to obtain a key card. So tense words were exchanged on both sides but ultimately we followed another family in and that was that- or so I thought.

    Well he called his lifeguard supervisor who then escorted me out of the pool and called an HOA Board Member and these two women proceeded to chew me out for roughly 30-45 min about how wrong I was to be rude to a young teenage boy and how dare I try to access the pool without a key card. I tried to calmly explain my side of the story but they weren’t having it and this further escalated my anger as you can imagine. Meanwhile families are walking up without key cards and they are politely letting them in. Now this really irked me. So the result was I got kicked out with an email including the paperwork to apply for a key card and who knows when I will receive it, and wow was I mad. The only good thing is that my daughter got to swim this whole time with my mom and family friend and she was none the wiser about what was going on. It was only until they kicked them out and my daughter is screaming and upset that I really got upset and understandably so. I asked the HOA Board member her name and said I would remember her at the next election- so there!

    I ordered pizza and calmed down and we had a great night but gosh was I mad! The injustice of it all over a simple misunderstanding and a rude teenager. I hope he quits his job. You know part of what makes me so frustrated about this is that I was a lifeguard in high school at my neighborhood pool and I would’ve never in a million years shown such disrespect and been so rude to a family in the neighborhood as this kid was rude to us- never! And I said that when I was speaking with his manager and the HOA Board Member. They said the responsibility falls on me as the adult to be nice to him regardless of his behavior. Well the fragility of the male ego- whoa, excuse me I am his elder as you are pointing out, he should have the burden of being respectful to me.

    Anyways we live in a day and age where no one can apologize. They handled the situation really terribly and even as I pointed out it was just a misunderstanding because I had never been given information about the pool access when I bought the house, the HOA Board Member continued to be rude to me and make a big deal about the neighborhood email and how it was my responsibility to keep up with those emails. At that point I just mentally checked out and told myself that these people are crazy and therefore tried to get the information on how to get a key card. It reminded me of arguments with my sister- you just can’t fight irrational minds and therefore you have to just give up at some point.

    My emotions were totally deregulated and I felt so hurt and misunderstood ultimately is why I felt so angry. Sure I was rude to this teenager and that was wrong, but he was rude to me too and there was no accountability for that. I hope he quits his job so I never have to see him again, I hope I get a key card before the end of summer- I hope a lot of things for this world, like that everyone would have kindness and understanding in their hearts, but that was just not the case unfortunately and I was treated really rudely unnecessarily by two women who could have easily de-escalated the situation but chose not to.

    I was proud of myself that I did keep my anger in check and tried to calmly explain my side of the story to the best of my ability for the most part. But like I said when the people I am speaking to are irrational and totally mishandling a situation and escalating the emotions just to be jerks like this pool manager and HOA Board member had clearly set out to do, there is nothing to do but keep myself in check with my emotions and walk away. This was a power trip for these ladies and they wheedled their few grasps of power as best they could against an innocent HOA dues paying homeowner who just wanted to enjoy the pool. If that makes them feel better about themselves I am glad I could help.

    What makes me truly angry about the whole thing is the fact that whatever the teenager’s side of the story was was taken so seriously and whatever I said didn’t matter. He was rude to me too, we were both rude, but he was justified and I was punished by being kicked out of the pool. Again the injustice of it all and the fragility of the male ego in this day in age is unbelievable. If this kid thinks he can tattle every time a strong women challenges his rude behavior and get away with it then he has a long pathetic life ahead of him as a mediocre male.

  • Shopping Habit

    I have a shopping addiction. The dopamine rush I get from purchasing something either online or in-person is as bad as a drug addict. Maybe it is a safer vice than drugs or alcohol but not for my bank account that is for sure. And the amount of needless things that I buy, or that I have duplicates of, or that I just don’t need is unreal.

    I have hoarding tendencies, genetically. I know this from cleaning out my grandmother’s house who passed away in March. Wow the stuff she saved and had tucked away! But she was very frugal and cheap being a depression era person. The problem is that I am not frugal or cheap, I like the finer things in life, but I do not have an endless source of income somewhere. I work very hard for the money I make as a paralegal and I need to budget that being a single mom with a lot of expenses (daycare, mortgage, car payment, health costs etc).

    So there lies the problem- shopping addiction coupled with limited income equals disaster potentially. I am working on my shopping addiction/tendencies in therapy but that can only help so much, I have got to be more disciplined for the safety and wellbeing of me and my daughter’s financial future. There is no “White Knight” or “Sugar Daddy” who is going to ride in and save us if things get really bad. Luckily I have been able to stay within my means so far since the Divorce and I do receive a small amount of child support monthly which helps, and I am good about returning things when I can, but there is no guarantee in life.

    A part of mania and Bipolar that is hard to deal with is reckless behavior and I think that excessive spending on unnecessary items can fall under that reckless behavior. Yes it is safer that drug or alcohol addiction or sex addiction which are all some of the more common forms of reckless behavior in the mental health realm but an excessive shopping addiction can ultimately lead to financial ruin if I don’t watch it. So I need to watch it and budget and be more careful or frugal with my money.

    It is hard though- we live in a “Treat Yo Self” era and the amount of targeted ads that are sent to us daily either through text, email, or social media ads is unreal. And by targeted ads I mean these companies have run algorithms to find data on past purchases and send ads and discounts on things we would possibly particularly like for future or similar purchases. I am a sucker for this unfortunately.

    Through DBT therapy I am going to try to use my skills more to combat my shopping addiction. Stop and Wait, Turn the Mind, and Mindfulness (to name a few) are all helpful tools I can use to combat the urge to needlessly shop for that quick dopamine hit. Hopefully I can get better at this and start to save more money for me and my daughter’s future. Here’s to trying my best!

  • The Importance of Sleep on my mental health journey 💤

    Insomnia, it gets us all at times. Whether we can’t sleep because of stress, or worries, or medication, or traveling…or all of the above, we have all experienced it at some point.

    The problem is insomnia, or the lack of proper sleep, is dangerous for someone diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Sleep is a cornerstone of the disease whether it be too little or too much during times of mania (marked by too little sleep) or depression (marked by too much sleep).

    However the problem with sleep and Bipolar disorder is another cornerstone of the disease is that normal sleep habits are very hard to regulate- go figure! Something that needs to be regulated to keep myself well is also hard to regulate because of the disease itself- a frustrating predicament about Bipolar disorder to say the least!

    Something that has helped me is taking extra over the counter sleep medication on an “as needed” basis. Zyrtec the allergy medication makes me sleepy and I take that pretty regularly in addition to my prescribed medication to help with my sleep and generic sleep medication like zzquil can also help.

    Bipolar disorder can in some sense be classified as an extreme sleep disorder as well as a mental illness. I also suffer from snoring, sleep apnea (I think, undiagnosed as of now), and sleep walking all brought on by stress. Bipolar is a stress induced illness as well. I think if I could get my stress under control I could live a much happier, fulfilled life and my symptoms of all these sleep disorders would be much less prevalent.

    Sleep is vital to human life and feeling well rested can help so much in our everyday lives. A form of torture is to deny your captives sleep and studies have been done of people going mentally insane just from lack of sleep.

    For those of you who suffer from sleep issues like me, what are some tips and tricks that have helped you?

    Like I said above extra sleep medication helps me but also ear plugs to block noise, an eye patch to block light, and some sleepy time tea before bed like chamomile flavor can help too. I have found a warm bath before bed, when I can, with melatonin in the bubble bath soap and Epson salts helps too.

    Good luck to anyone struggling with sleep regulation and issues like me. It is rough especially when our days are full with work and mom duties. But we can do it, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger! Happy sleeping 😴

  • How Important Therapy Is

    I’m back- I took a little sabbatical there from writing, and had a really hard time again in March 2025 following some events that transpired with my sister and my grandmother dying, which pushed me to join an IOP (intensive out-patient) therapy group mid-April 2025. The great thing about IOP is I can maintain my job and mom duties and fit it into my schedule seamlessly which has been great.

    And it has been helping me a lot. We learned that the whole point of IOP – DBT therapy is: “to control our minds so we can better control our emotions and reactions and live a happier more fulfilled life.” DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) has been doing just that for me. I have had some situations come up since starting this therapy that I have handled and managed much better than I would have prior to this therapy.

    The situation I am most proud of handling so well was my EX in-laws (Greg’s parents) coming to town for Pre-K Graduation for Brooklyn with no prior warning or heads up that they would be in town for the weekend from Chicago. I kept my cool and didn’t let it phase me. They came to the T-ball end of the year party too on Sunday and I just talked to different people and I didn’t let Ellen’s (Greg’s mom’s) annoying behavior get to me. I was so proud of myself, but it was mainly due to the skills learned in therapy and the cope-ahead plan I had worked on prior to the weekend and seeing Greg, I just modified it to include his parents in the moment.

    I have also taken some trips in the month of May to Charleston, SC and New Orleans, LA and I think the therapy has really helped me a lot to cope and manage successfully some situations that arose on these trips with friends. Another huge milestone is that I rang in my 40th birthday happy and healthy, mentally and physically, where last year I was so suicidal I thought I may not make it to my 40th birthday alive. That was huge that not only did I have a good time celebrating I also went on two trips and had a family swimming celebration that were all very positive and enjoyable! Usually my birthday month is hard for me- so I am very happy that 40, which is such a milestone itself was a good one for me! 🙂

    2025 also marks 5 years since I officially separated from Greg in August 2020. That has been a huge milestone that this therapy has been helping me work through. I finally feel ready to move on and live my best life with Brooklyn. Next major goal is weight loss and then I am “On my way” (a song from B’s Pre-K Graduation) to a happier and healthier life, and I’m finally ready!!

  • Kindness Counts

    What a true sentiment, it really does! I think it can make such a huge difference in all of our personal relationships – from friends and family to co-workers and even acquaintances or even strangers we encounter in our daily lives. One thing I like to remember when I am upset or angry about something and I am trying to express this to someone else and discuss my feelings or the situation with someone are two things- 1. Is it necessary, will it help the situation positively and 2. is it kind to say to this person? If it is not either of these things, kind or necessary, I try to hold back and keep my negative, hurtful thoughts and feelings to myself to either journal about them privately later or talk with someone else later, like my therapist or my mom. But this can be hard! And strong emotions like anger, fear, and being hurt about something or frustrated about something can get the best of us especially people like me who personally struggle with regulating my strong emotions due to a mental health diagnosis.

    I think the most important person to remember to be kind to though is ourselves. And this can be super hard sometimes! For me during more low times mood wise when I am more depressed I tend to turn my anger and my feelings of being upset inward toward myself and in times when I am feeling more up mood wise or hypo-manic I tend to turn my anger and feelings of being upset outward at others typically those people in my life who I am closest to like my family. Neither of these tendencies is good and one thing I am really trying to work on are my feelings of anger and feelings of being upset especially about major life events I have experienced like being diagnosed with Bipolar when I was a teenager (yes I am still struggling with that unfortunately) and going through a hard, traumatic divorce in the last 5 years.

    One thing that has helped me in my difficulties with trying to co-parent effectively with a very difficult person, my ex-husband, is remembering to always try my best to be kind and understanding toward him and his situation. Now this doesn’t always work out perfectly because I can get frustrated easily by his lack of kindness or understanding toward me, but for the sake of my daughter and wanting to do what is best for her always, I try to stay kind and respectful toward him no matter how he is treating me and this in some ways has helped me personally heal from some of the verbal and mental abuse I suffered from him during our 10 year long relationship. Kindness, on my end at least, has helped contribute a lot toward my healing with all of that previous trauma I experienced in that relationship and kindness has helped a lot with my on-going frustration of co-parenting with a difficult person regularly which can be hard sometimes.

    Kindness has helped me a lot with being a good mother and having an excellent and special relationship with my daughter that I treasure so much and I am so thankful and proud of. Young children can be difficult and stubborn and infuriating at times, honestly, and navigating this semi-alone (with some help from my mom) has been super hard at times. But keeping kindness at the forefront of my relationship with my daughter, who is only 5 years old, I have found to be super important because she is little, and doesn’t always understand, and she is still learning and growing and needs that constant guidance from all of the adults in her life (parents, teachers, grandparents, etc). I still remember to set boundaries and stick to certain rules and trust me she is not always happy about that, but keeping kindness and understanding and love at the forefront of my parenting style has been so helpful for both of us and I look forward to our mother/daughter relationship growing and getting even better as she gets older.

    To wrap this up, my point is that kindness is important and helpful with all of the relationships in our lives, and we need more of it (kindness in general) in this sometimes very dark world we live in, but it can be hard when our emotions and stress get the best of us. I definitely struggle with that! All we can do is try our best to be the best version of ourselves and focus on being who we each uniquely are as people, apologize and repair relationships when we can, and move on and try to heal when we can’t. I have lost a lot of friendships during my divorce which I still do regret and grieve to some extent, and I have a very difficult relationship and dynamic with my sister, but my parents are my rock and I am very thankful for that and I hope and I strive to be that for my daughter. So keep pushing, keep trying to do your best, that is all any of us can do, and with the help of therapy and doctors and people in our lives who are positive influences- we can do this! We can thrive, not just survive, struggling with mental illness and keeping kindness at the forefront of our daily emotional journeys .

  • The Road to Recovery

    The road to recovery with a mental illness is hard. Not only is it long and tiring it can be at times very slow with multiple setbacks along the way. Part of the recovery journey that can be so frustrating is that with a chronic illness such as bipolar or a myriad of other mental illnesses is that you never truly recover, it is always a part of you and while managing it can get easier it never goes away. A person diagnosed with severe mental illness is never cured, so to say, like other illnesses. And this can be daunting and frustrating. I know I have felt illness exhaustion having struggled with this for nearly 25 years especially with my illness feeling more severe and less easy to manage in the last 5 years due to extreme amounts of stress.

    I think the best thing to do, all that any of us can do, is try to stay positive and hopeful and not let ourselves get too overwhelmed. And this is hard to do, I know! Because life is hard, stress is hard to manage, and our illnesses on top of all this are greatly affected by these environmental factors making them even harder to manage. Sleep management can be hard too. Too much when depressed, too little when manic and how to keep the balance of regular good sleep when responsibilities in the morning especially like work and school make it hard to over or under sleep even when or bodies need it.

    This chart above shows the ups and downs of different types of bipolar and includes depression as well. As you can see there is a cyclical pattern of up to down between mania and depression that people with bipolar suffer from. But the goal is stability, flat lining in the middle, as the chart shows, that is the spot, the “sweet spot” where functioning with bipolar becomes the easiest to manage. When the major ups and downs have subsided and and the mood swings are more even and less severe that is the goal for the most successful and productive point of living with a bipolar diagnosis long term.

    So think of it like this- similar to the laws of gravity, what goes up must come down…meaning after a period of mania or an episode of mania usually comes a period of depression or an episode of depression. The goal is to even these out so the swings are not so high and low and evenness/stability can be achieved more easily. This can be achieved, I have found, most successfully with a three prong approach 1) medicine and supervision by a doctor 2) seeing a therapist regularly 3) some sort of group therapy, support group etc. Having supportive friends and family is very helpful too, but it is hard to be open with everyone about struggles like this, at least for me, because there is still such stigma surrounding mental illness. I think finding coping skills to manage and reduce stress and finding coping skills to help regulate sleep help a lot too.

    I am still on the road to recovery and in some sense I always will be unfortunately, but I hope with time and hard work in therapy things will get easier and more manageable in multiple areas of my life. I know I can get there and you can too. It seems impossible now (long-term stability) but I am hopeful it can be achieved and that is a huge first step.

    Good luck to all on their personal road to recovery-just keep going!

  • Searching for Stability

    I think something I have mentioned in earlier posts is that my Bipolar 1 illness has changed as I’ve gotten older, since childbirth, since severe stress of divorce and moving and finding new health professionals. Yes it has changed! My times of having a depressive episode happen more frequently now, with intermittent short spurts of hypo-mania in between. There is no rest for the weary so to speak. I am either high or low, up or down with my moods, and all I crave and seek is stability and some evenness like I experienced years ago in my young adult life and when I was first diagnosed. I would go years in between major episodes, now those previous major episodes would end up getting pretty severe including hospitalization though. But I have only been hospitalized 3 times in 23 years one of those being an outpatient program because I was only 17 years old. In the scheme of things that is pretty good because hospitalization for a mental illness is rough and it takes a while to fully recover from the experience…more on that later if that is an interest to anyone or if you would like to learn more about it, at least my experiences with it.

    Stress is a big factor I believe in this up and down spiral. I have had a very stressful job for a long time as a paralegal and I know it contributes to making my stress unmanageable. Another huge factor is being a single mom. My lovely daughter is 5 so things are getting easier, but having young children even with help from a spouse or other family member like I have is hard and stressful and anxiety producing even for people who don’t struggle with their mental health. My divorce was hard too. It was very contentious and took a huge toll on my mental health leading to a lot of weight gain from emotional eating. Which leads me to the next big stressor in my life which is my weight gain that has caused major confidence issues, contributed a lot to my depression symptoms, and caused other major health issues that I am now struggling with on top of my mental health issues. Woah! That’s a lot of stress I have been under all the time for the last 5 years, not to mention the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered living with my volatile ex-husband the year after my daughter was born before I left when she was 1 year old.

    I should be kinder with myself- we all should. This is hard, life is hard, and especially having a mental illness is hard. Why I mention the stressors above and all I have been through contributing to my stress, is because I believe stress and how I manage it has such a huge factor on my mental health and stability, along with sleep regulation- managing stress and sleep are the big two that determine if I am doing well or not. So making sure I am taking my medicine as prescribed by my doctor is crucial, adding in over-the-counter sleep medication as needed helps, and to manage my stress I find walking, yoga, reading, watching a funny show or movie and participating in a hobby when I have the time is beneficial. Now working full time and having a child along with all the busyness of life does not allow me to do all of these things all of the time like I would hope I could, but when I find the time or make the time to do them, these things help I have found.

    Some hobbies I particularly enjoy are cross-stich and crocheting and journaling. Now I understand it is particularly hard to do anything but eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom when you are truly in the throughs of a major depressive episode, but maybe just even calling a friend or family member and talking about your feelings, your struggles, your worries might help. And of course always call your doctor and therapist in crisis.

    Stability oh how I long for it! I think most people struggling with bipolar, and a myriad of other mental health conditions like anxiety and depression certainly long for stability at times too. So how can we get there? One day at a time, truly it’s the only way for me to manage life when my stress and anxiety get too overwhelming. But it is hard, it is not easy, and I am personally very hard on myself when I start feeling better, that I need to make up for lost time while I was laying in bed feeling my worst during depression. I should not be that way and I am working on being kinder to myself about my struggles and my ability to do my best even when everything seems so hard.

    One thing I struggle the most with my bipolar 1 diagnosis is managing both sides of the coin- the depression, but also the mania. I am someone who truly can not take an anti-depressant because my ability to slip into hypo-mania and then severe mania is too easily reached while taking an anti-depressant medication. But my depression episodes can get pretty severe and that is hard to manage too. And this is where stress factors in, the daily stressors of life, making my illness very hard to manage sometimes, well most of the time. So managing my stress is key-but what is the best way to do that? Writing helps me, and self-care like bubble baths, talk therapy with my mom and therapist, and certainly walking and moving even though it currently hurts my joints a lot right now since my weight gain. So I will try to do those things and honestly just seeing my daughter after a long day at work, picking her up from school, spending time with her in the evenings gives me so much joy, and I need to focus on that and not my struggles or my stressors even though they can be overwhelming at times.

    What are your favorite ways to manage your stress or wind down- I would love to hear your ideas!

  • First Day at my new “job”

    New job or maybe I should say new hobby. My goal is that I am going to write as much as possible using this platform as my first resource and then hopefully land some sort of writing job that I am paid to do to hopefully transition to being a full time writer. My passion and expertise is the Mental Health field not because I am a doctor or nurse but because I myself have struggled with my mental health being diagnosed Bipolar 1 since 2002. I want to help people with their mental health journey and share some tips and tricks that I have discovered myself to help manage it along the way. And trust me I have struggled! This is a hard illness to manage successfully but here is my goal – to help as many people as I can understand their illness and thrive regardless of it.

    One thing is I am a mom and my illness has changed since giving birth to my wonderful daughter 5 years ago. Stress has been a huge contributor to this change- stress of new motherhood, my divorce, and an intensive job, but other factors have come into play too- major weight gain and feeling bad about that, higher levels of anxiety that I have had to deal with in relation to the stress I have been under, needing to find a new psychiatrist and therapist after my divorce, change in my hormones etc… just to name a few. For more on my mental health journey with new motherhood and divorce visit my first blog- https://yogimommi.com/blog-feed/

    In this blog I am going to focus less on new motherhood and divorce and more on my overall mental health journey, understanding the illness, and the here and now of my struggles and successes with managing my illness. I hope too as a history lover to research and share with you the stories of famous people throughout history who have struggled with their mental health and learn more about the development of psychiatry and psychology in the medical field and how it has helped people significantly.

    I commend you if you have found my blog because you yourself struggle with your mental health and just know you are not alone and it is really hard. Daily it is hard and not many people who don’t struggle with this personally understand that. So just know we are out here, we are struggling too, but we are going to make it and find the willpower to not let the stress and difficulties of this illness overtake us – we are going to enjoy our lives in spite of the incredibly hard challenges we face and we are going to thrive vs just survive.

    Now I know I sound more like a motivational speaker vs someone with severe mental illness, but trust me I get it- it’s hard and I have struggled almost everyday for definitely the last 5 years of the 23 years since first diagnosis. Like I said before about my illness changing is that I used to have years of stability in between major episodes but now it is more like a few months. Now these depressive and hypo-manic episodes I am describing that are happening more frequently are more manageable than in the past for sure, at least in the sense that no hospitalization has been necessary and I have been able to continue working and keeping up with my mom duties (with some help from my mom with my daughter). This has been a huge blessing, but it has still been hard. To have the ups and downs of my Bipolar 1 be less like a low bell curve and more like a sharp heartbeat on a monitor has been difficult. The times of stability are so helpful to my recovery and strength and getting my confidence back and being robbed of these long stretches of stability lately has been hard to manage.

    But I am doing ok in general- as of late I did have a hard depressive episode in October 2024 lasting to mid November. I felt better through December and the holidays, getting slightly hypo-manic though (like hard to sleep etc), up until the end of February 2025 and then this March I have struggled again with another hard depressive episode. I am feeling better now but keeping my sleep in check to keep mania at bay has been a struggle as of late. Of course, always talk to your doctor first, but my new psychiatrist’s advice to take as much sleep medicine as needed to help me sleep has been really helpful with that struggle of managing my sleep.

    As always, just a reminder to please subscribe and comment- I would love to hear from you! More to come in the near future, but my hope is to build an online community to help us all learn more about our illnesses and encourage each other- Happy Monday…let’s get to work bettering our lives!