Katie D. Arnold- Writer

Tag: relationships

  • The Art of being Alone

    I think it is hard, I still struggle with it, loneliness that is. It goes through waves for me sometimes I crave solitude especially when I am very busy and sometimes the need for human interaction, even just a phone call, is helpful to making me feel better. I think being a single mom who isn’t currently dating and most of my close friends live out of town lends for a lot of alone time that I struggle with. I love my time with my daughter, and that is the time I cherish most, but with co-parenting their are significant breaks in our time together and I miss her when she is with her dad.

    I also struggle getting back out there and dating because my marriage was so toxic. In that sense I would rather be alone than trying to please someone else or doing everything they say with no decisions of my own in the relationship. Being alone is a freedom that is purely enjoyed after being in a controlling and manipulative relationship.

    I think adult friendships are hard. Everyone is busy with work and family and it leaves little room to make new friends and spend the time building those new relationships. I lost a lot of friendships I had built throughout my marriage during my divorce due to gossip or misinformation about me and my situation, and also due to a huge lifestyle change I made refraining from drinking regularly and never drinking heavily like I did in my marriage. I just quietly quit the friendships of people who supported my ex-husband through our divorce and who continued to drink a lot, especially drinking with kids present, and I think I am better off for it. However it does leave me with a much smaller friend base and less people to do things with which can be lonely.

    Another thing that tends to leave me feeling disconnected or lonely is that hobbies I enjoy can tend to be isolating and solitary- for example reading and needlework. One of my goals is to find some kind of group to join the involves an interest I enjoy and can help me meet people. I think a mental health or single mom support group would be a huge help to me right now, but maybe also getting involved in a local church, volunteering more at my daughter’s school, or being more involved in helping with her extra-curricular activities would be something to think about too.

    I think struggling with one’s mental health can be extremely isolating too. The motivation to get up and do anything is hard during a bout of depression and can also leave one feeling isolated due to not feeling like they have anyone to talk to who understands what they are going through. I think until someone truly experiences how hard depression is they will never understand the struggle and internal battle a person with depression faces and how lonely it can be sometimes.

    Technology and the modern world in some ways has made us more connected then ever, but in other ways it has fostered more isolation as we all just sit in front of our screens vs interacting in person more regularly. Loneliness is hard and I struggle with it regularly but I have to remember it is also freedom and independence and I should relish that part of it.

  • Kindness Counts

    What a true sentiment, it really does! I think it can make such a huge difference in all of our personal relationships – from friends and family to co-workers and even acquaintances or even strangers we encounter in our daily lives. One thing I like to remember when I am upset or angry about something and I am trying to express this to someone else and discuss my feelings or the situation with someone are two things- 1. Is it necessary, will it help the situation positively and 2. is it kind to say to this person? If it is not either of these things, kind or necessary, I try to hold back and keep my negative, hurtful thoughts and feelings to myself to either journal about them privately later or talk with someone else later, like my therapist or my mom. But this can be hard! And strong emotions like anger, fear, and being hurt about something or frustrated about something can get the best of us especially people like me who personally struggle with regulating my strong emotions due to a mental health diagnosis.

    I think the most important person to remember to be kind to though is ourselves. And this can be super hard sometimes! For me during more low times mood wise when I am more depressed I tend to turn my anger and my feelings of being upset inward toward myself and in times when I am feeling more up mood wise or hypo-manic I tend to turn my anger and feelings of being upset outward at others typically those people in my life who I am closest to like my family. Neither of these tendencies is good and one thing I am really trying to work on are my feelings of anger and feelings of being upset especially about major life events I have experienced like being diagnosed with Bipolar when I was a teenager (yes I am still struggling with that unfortunately) and going through a hard, traumatic divorce in the last 5 years.

    One thing that has helped me in my difficulties with trying to co-parent effectively with a very difficult person, my ex-husband, is remembering to always try my best to be kind and understanding toward him and his situation. Now this doesn’t always work out perfectly because I can get frustrated easily by his lack of kindness or understanding toward me, but for the sake of my daughter and wanting to do what is best for her always, I try to stay kind and respectful toward him no matter how he is treating me and this in some ways has helped me personally heal from some of the verbal and mental abuse I suffered from him during our 10 year long relationship. Kindness, on my end at least, has helped contribute a lot toward my healing with all of that previous trauma I experienced in that relationship and kindness has helped a lot with my on-going frustration of co-parenting with a difficult person regularly which can be hard sometimes.

    Kindness has helped me a lot with being a good mother and having an excellent and special relationship with my daughter that I treasure so much and I am so thankful and proud of. Young children can be difficult and stubborn and infuriating at times, honestly, and navigating this semi-alone (with some help from my mom) has been super hard at times. But keeping kindness at the forefront of my relationship with my daughter, who is only 5 years old, I have found to be super important because she is little, and doesn’t always understand, and she is still learning and growing and needs that constant guidance from all of the adults in her life (parents, teachers, grandparents, etc). I still remember to set boundaries and stick to certain rules and trust me she is not always happy about that, but keeping kindness and understanding and love at the forefront of my parenting style has been so helpful for both of us and I look forward to our mother/daughter relationship growing and getting even better as she gets older.

    To wrap this up, my point is that kindness is important and helpful with all of the relationships in our lives, and we need more of it (kindness in general) in this sometimes very dark world we live in, but it can be hard when our emotions and stress get the best of us. I definitely struggle with that! All we can do is try our best to be the best version of ourselves and focus on being who we each uniquely are as people, apologize and repair relationships when we can, and move on and try to heal when we can’t. I have lost a lot of friendships during my divorce which I still do regret and grieve to some extent, and I have a very difficult relationship and dynamic with my sister, but my parents are my rock and I am very thankful for that and I hope and I strive to be that for my daughter. So keep pushing, keep trying to do your best, that is all any of us can do, and with the help of therapy and doctors and people in our lives who are positive influences- we can do this! We can thrive, not just survive, struggling with mental illness and keeping kindness at the forefront of our daily emotional journeys .