So anyways AT&T forced me to upgrade my subscription to Fiber and I was initially hesitant to do it. My wifi was fine and I dragged my feet calling to schedule the update and installation as requested multiple times by AT&T via email and snail mail. Well I played chicken long enough, they called my bluff and cut off my “air” wireless internet. Today the technician came out, was super helpful, and installed my fiber internet, and I am so happy for the upgrade. I guess the metaphor here is change can be good even when I am resisting it.
One thing I have learned as a mother is that with kids change is happening all of the time, constantly, and I am not so good with change or transitions, I never have been. It has definitely been an adjustment to roll with the changes with my daughter, her likes/dislikes, her differing attitude, her preferences etc.., everything is changing all of the time. Sometimes I feel sentimental to a discarded toy she loved as a toddler, or old clothes she has grown out of that she loved. But like I said change can be good too! She is so verbal and descriptive and vocal with her language and communication at age 6 vs 2 and it is such a joy to experience. Now we play a lot of board games with semi-complicated rules which is fun, and she is just so smart and more independent every day. I am really enjoying this next stage of K-5 (early elementary) years.
To be perfectly honest, I am a little worried about the teenage years already and sometimes find I lay awake planning how I am going to solve future imaginary problems, but that is also my crippling anxiety coming into play.
I think the hardest decision I have made and the hardest change I have endured was choosing to leave my marriage. It had to be done though, I just could not let my daughter grow up in an environment where I was treated so terribly by my ex-husband and his family. It wasn’t fair to me and it certainly wasn’t fair to my daughter to be brought into so much chaos and verbal abuse that she had no choice of being a part of. She was innocent and I had to protect her.
Now me I had chosen this life. I had made bad decision after bad decision to stay with a man that made me feel terrible and I had still chosen to have a child with him because I was selfish. I stupidly thought things would get better with another person to love and my desire to be a mother was so strong I would’ve done anything to become one. And then I had my daughter and things got worse not better and I just crumbled and thought what now?!
Well long story short by the grace of God and my wonderful parents, my daughter and I left, I filed for divorce, I won custody regardless of my mental health history, and looking back as hard as it has been I am so happy now. This was a change that was really worth it. The calm and peace I have found, the beautiful relationship that I have with my daughter that would never had existed with my ex-husband involved, and the closeness and support I have experienced from my parents and a handful of really good friends who have stood by me, wow I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.
I look back and think why did I marry him, how did I get sucked in when I was deep down so miserable, and I have to just chalk it up to I was a different person when I met him. I had very little actual dating experience, and I had vey low self-esteem at the time to be completely honest. But also at some point he changed, he thrived more off of controlling me than enjoying my company and I remember thinking after endless nights of going out and partying with people we hardly knew that something was wrong if we didn’t enjoy each other’s company one on one anymore. Our relationship deteriorated to the point that the only time we enjoyed spending time together was on vacation which was only a couple times a year at most.
Also, I wanted to be a mother so badly that I pushed him before he was ready. I mean it didn’t feel like it at the time, but looking back I did, because I was running out of time as a woman to have a healthy/easy pregnancy and a healthy baby. He wasn’t ready but then again he may have never been ready, because he was the wrong person to have a child with.
My daughter, she is the light of my life and my one true love and joy. She has kept me going through so much darkness in the last six and a half years. It has been hard though for my life that I envisioned for so long to crumble right in front of me and for me to have to chose to lose everything to ultimately find myself again and protect me and my daughter. But it was worth it, wow was it worth it!
I still have hard days and moments and regrets and what if thoughts, but the good days are slowly outweighing the bad and I feel like discovering who I truly am (finally!) in my 40’s without any outside influence from a bossy friend, or a controlling boyfriend or husband has been exciting to experience and explore. I feel thankful, grateful, and blessed that I have my daughter and the freedom as a single mom to raise her with the values, love, and integrity that I live by and was raised to hold. No more endless fighting, and yelling, and anxiety to avoid a fight, just peace and calm and love at least in my house. It was worth it, change is hard, but so worth it!
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