The Underlying Threat Always

No one talks enough about the grief of going from the primary parent to the 50% parent. For years, you knew everything. The appointments. The friendships. The rhythms. The weird look that meant something was off. Your life was built around the daily tending of your child.

And then you divorce. Suddenly the time is split. The holidays are split. The decisions are split. And then you win primary/custodial parent in family court and feel somewhat validated that the courts recognize what you’ve know all along- that you are the better parent and situation for your child to spend the majority of their time with. And then as a part of the ongoing abuse the co-parent takes you back to court and wins 50/50 custody somehow eliminating child support, but still leaving the majority of parenting to you. And this is your worst nightmare, losing time with your child.

And then comes the part that can fucking hurt: Your child starts building a life with their other parent that doesn’t include you. Maybe they’re having fun. Maybe there are new traditions, new freedoms, a different type of relationship forming.

You can know that’s good for your child and still feel the gut punch. The jealousy. The rage. The I did this for YEARS and now you get to step in when they are at a beautiful fun age?! The fear of being replaced. You don’t need to sugarcoat that.

But your child also cannot be the place you put it. That’s where the work is. We empty what needs emptying. We get underneath what’s being activated. And then we figure out what belongs to you, what belongs to the other house, and how you protect your relationship with your child without asking them to carry your grief. Your child gets to love their other parent. And you get to grieve the parenting life you thought you would have.

Both get to happen. Therapy and journaling have helped me relieve some of the stress and burden of the worry associated with co-parenting and have helped me to empty the negative thoughts and fill my love tank so I can be the best mom I can be for my daughter.