When Money is more important than anything else & Financial abuse

Money is important, yes, it brings a life of opportunity and takes out a lot of hardships to have enough or more than enough money. But what happens when we lose sight of life and convenience and enjoyment because of money? Because we are penny pinching so much that we lose all sight of what is important in life outside of money.

There is something to be said about enjoying money because it brings about a certain lifestyle that is comfortable to live and then there is being beholden to money letting it affect every decision you make. It is important to note though, that in either of these scenarios money is not sparse and people living life with each of these attitudes has enough money that they aren’t struggling to pay bills or live. They are choosing to approach life differently with an adequate amount of money at their disposal.

Being frugal is important no matter how much money we have. Watching a budget, staying in the green each month, managing and watching finances has a lot of benefits. However when this becomes an obsession, when it becomes a way to control your partner/spouse and/or kids, when keeping so tight to the budget is more important than any small enjoyments, there is a problem.

My ex-husband used money as a way to control me. Even though I was working and making almost as much money as him he controlled all of our finances. That meant he could spend hundreds of dollars on meat for the deep freezer or alcohol for the liquor cabinet but I could not buy a new shirt or the shampoo I liked unless it was on sale. His argument was that we didn’t have the extra money for me to splurge, but somehow we did when it came to him buying the latest electronics?!

I got really resentful with the financial abuse even if I didn’t have a name or label for it. Financial abuse falls into the category with emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse, and I experienced all of these in my marriage unfortunately. These types of abuse are very hard on the victim and also hard to pinpoint because there are no physical signs of harm like with physical and some forms of sexual abuse.

The definition of financial abuse:

Financial abuse is a pattern of behavior where one person controls, exploits, or restricts another person’s access to money, economic resources, and financial independence to maintain power and control.

It is a common form of domestic violence that traps a victim by making them financially dependent on the abuser.

Common Signs and Examples:

• Restricting Work or Education: Forbidding a partner from getting a job, forcing them to quit, or sabotaging their employment by making them late or causing them to lose their job.
• Controlling All Money: Giving an “allowance,” demanding strict receipts for every penny spent, or withholding access to joint bank accounts. *I experienced this one*
• Stealing or Misusing Funds: Taking paychecks, public assistance checks, or personal savings without permission. *I experienced this one*
• Sabotaging Credit and Debt: Running up massive debt on joint credit cards or forcing the victim to sign fraudulent financial documents or bad checks.
• Withholding Essentials: Denying money or access to basic needs like food, clothing, medication, or shelter. *I experienced this one*

I experienced 3 of 5 typical signs/examples of financial abuse, however in my divorce case it was hard to prove. I think some things that are important to discuss and maintain etc, so that you don’t end up as a single mom with limited resources like I did are:

1). Discuss money and your goals prior to marriage- if you plan to keep working or not if you have kids and intentions for a prenup and separate bank accounts. Seeking counseling regarding this prior to marriage could be helpful.

2). Maintain your own bank accounts, 401K, savings, investments etc. Sometimes marriage is proposed as a way to reach the other person’s financial assets and claim a stake to them with marriage, especially in community property states such as Texas (where I live).

3). Even if your partner/spouse doesn’t want to have separate bank accounts it is very important that you keep some sort of account separate and just in your name. Contribute small amounts to this account frequently and as it grows this will give you the ability to leave on your own terms if needed.