I think something I have mentioned in earlier posts is that my Bipolar 1 illness has changed as I’ve gotten older, since childbirth, since severe stress of divorce and moving and finding new health professionals. Yes it has changed! My times of having a depressive episode happen more frequently now, with intermittent short spurts of hypo-mania in between. There is no rest for the weary so to speak. I am either high or low, up or down with my moods, and all I crave and seek is stability and some evenness like I experienced years ago in my young adult life and when I was first diagnosed. I would go years in between major episodes, now those previous major episodes would end up getting pretty severe including hospitalization though. But I have only been hospitalized 3 times in 23 years one of those being an outpatient program because I was only 17 years old. In the scheme of things that is pretty good because hospitalization for a mental illness is rough and it takes a while to fully recover from the experience…more on that later if that is an interest to anyone or if you would like to learn more about it, at least my experiences with it.

Stress is a big factor I believe in this up and down spiral. I have had a very stressful job for a long time as a paralegal and I know it contributes to making my stress unmanageable. Another huge factor is being a single mom. My lovely daughter is 5 so things are getting easier, but having young children even with help from a spouse or other family member like I have is hard and stressful and anxiety producing even for people who don’t struggle with their mental health. My divorce was hard too. It was very contentious and took a huge toll on my mental health leading to a lot of weight gain from emotional eating. Which leads me to the next big stressor in my life which is my weight gain that has caused major confidence issues, contributed a lot to my depression symptoms, and caused other major health issues that I am now struggling with on top of my mental health issues. Woah! That’s a lot of stress I have been under all the time for the last 5 years, not to mention the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered living with my volatile ex-husband the year after my daughter was born before I left when she was 1 year old.

I should be kinder with myself- we all should. This is hard, life is hard, and especially having a mental illness is hard. Why I mention the stressors above and all I have been through contributing to my stress, is because I believe stress and how I manage it has such a huge factor on my mental health and stability, along with sleep regulation- managing stress and sleep are the big two that determine if I am doing well or not. So making sure I am taking my medicine as prescribed by my doctor is crucial, adding in over-the-counter sleep medication as needed helps, and to manage my stress I find walking, yoga, reading, watching a funny show or movie and participating in a hobby when I have the time is beneficial. Now working full time and having a child along with all the busyness of life does not allow me to do all of these things all of the time like I would hope I could, but when I find the time or make the time to do them, these things help I have found.

Some hobbies I particularly enjoy are cross-stich and crocheting and journaling. Now I understand it is particularly hard to do anything but eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom when you are truly in the throughs of a major depressive episode, but maybe just even calling a friend or family member and talking about your feelings, your struggles, your worries might help. And of course always call your doctor and therapist in crisis.

Stability oh how I long for it! I think most people struggling with bipolar, and a myriad of other mental health conditions like anxiety and depression certainly long for stability at times too. So how can we get there? One day at a time, truly it’s the only way for me to manage life when my stress and anxiety get too overwhelming. But it is hard, it is not easy, and I am personally very hard on myself when I start feeling better, that I need to make up for lost time while I was laying in bed feeling my worst during depression. I should not be that way and I am working on being kinder to myself about my struggles and my ability to do my best even when everything seems so hard.

One thing I struggle the most with my bipolar 1 diagnosis is managing both sides of the coin- the depression, but also the mania. I am someone who truly can not take an anti-depressant because my ability to slip into hypo-mania and then severe mania is too easily reached while taking an anti-depressant medication. But my depression episodes can get pretty severe and that is hard to manage too. And this is where stress factors in, the daily stressors of life, making my illness very hard to manage sometimes, well most of the time. So managing my stress is key-but what is the best way to do that? Writing helps me, and self-care like bubble baths, talk therapy with my mom and therapist, and certainly walking and moving even though it currently hurts my joints a lot right now since my weight gain. So I will try to do those things and honestly just seeing my daughter after a long day at work, picking her up from school, spending time with her in the evenings gives me so much joy, and I need to focus on that and not my struggles or my stressors even though they can be overwhelming at times.

What are your favorite ways to manage your stress or wind down- I would love to hear your ideas!