Wow, I feel like I am finally getting there where I can embrace and enjoy my peace. And it has been a long time coming. I separated from my ex-husband in 2020 right before my daughter turned 1 year old. Covid had just hit in March and it had been a particularly hard season for our marriage and relationship. I had been through so much physically with the birth of my daughter, not to mention the major loss of the pregnancy hormones after her birth that had made me feel so good during pregnancy. And on top of all that I was so ecstatic to be a mom and I was so happy that she was healthy that I had a pretty severe manic episode after her birth as well.
My ex-husband just couldn’t be patient with me, he was mad and frustrated all the time, and I never knew what version of him was going to walk through the front door. I was walking on eggshells and I was miserable. I can tell you right now that I thank God everyday for blessing me with such wonderful parents. They saw I was suffering and helped me get out of my toxic marriage and have been monumental with helping me with my daughter, especially since she was so young when I left.
There is a reason why people don’t get divorced until their kids are grown up- because this is hard to do alone especially at the baby and toddler stages when your kids are a long ways from being self-sufficient. My mom stepped in and unselfishly helped me so much with my daughter.
There was trauma I had been through that I had to recover from as well. My ex-husband was unfortunately abusive (verbally, mentally, and financially). At first I didn’t recognize this as abuse, because he hadn’t physically harmed me …yet. But unseen abuse can hurt a person almost irrevocably , because the victim loses themself, and their decision making skills, and they second guess their judgment due to prolonged gas lighting.
But I feel like I am out of the woods finally and I have hope again. It has almost been 7 years since she was born and I finally feel whole again. I am so happy and grateful I filed for divorce when my daughter was so young because now I have freedom and independence and I am not continuing to condone the abuse toward me. The silver lining in all this though, is that I have my daughter and I wouldn’t have her if I had never married her father. That is my take-a-way.
It is super hard but I encourage anyone in a bad, unhealthy, and/or toxic relationship to seek help from friends, family, and professionals. Peace feels so good and I will never jeopardize my peace and happiness for a man again. Now that is not to say I don’t want a partner, soul-mate, and companionship in the future, I just don’t have the time or energy to go look for it like I did in my twenties. And if the universe and God make the perfect scenario happen, I will be much appreciated, but I am not actively seeking a romantic relationship at this time. And this brings me so much peace too!
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