The definition of coercive control, according to Google is: an ongoing, intentional pattern of psychological, emotional, financial, or physical tactics used by a person to gain and maintain power, dominance, and entrapment over an intimate partner or family member. Unlike a single argument or isolated incident of physical violence, coercive control functions as a cumulative regime of domination. It systematically strips away a person’s autonomy, independence, and sense of reality, making them feel dependent on the abuser and trapped in the relationship.
As related to co-parenting coercive control is defined as: an ongoing pattern of domination, manipulation, and intimidation where an ex-partner uses children and custody arrangements to maintain power and inflict emotional harm long after a relationship ends.
Common Signs and Tactics of coercive control in co-parenting:
Schedule Sabotage: Regularly interrupting parenting time, showing up unannounced, or agreeing to schedules only to break them at the last minute.
Weaponizing Children: Using the child as a spy, a messenger, or a tool to undermine the other parent’s authority or create loyalty conflicts.
Legal and Financial Abuse: Repeatedly threatening or filing unmerited court motions, withholding child support, or manipulating expenses to drain the other parent’s resources.
Intrusive Communication: Sending constant, aggressive, or gaslighting messages and demanding immediate justifications for everyday parenting choices.
Unfortunately I have been on the receiving end of coercive control for years, even before my daughter was born and we were co-parenting.
My ex-husband has always tended to be controlling or bossy, but what I initially found as a cute and slight character flaw later turned much darker and harder to deal with. He become a monster once, years later, I was on maternity leave. Some examples were…Controlling and locking the thermostat so it couldn’t be changed, to save electricity. Dictating when and for how long I could do basic chores like run the dishwasher or the washer and dryer to save electricity. Waking me up from naps with the Alexa alarms when he could sense no movement in the house. Opening the garage door to wake me up and get me to go down three flights of stairs to close it to maintain security and peace of mind since the back door to the house and garage stayed unlocked.
These were just a few examples of all of the really controlling actions my ex-husband did toward me to mess with my mind and my confidence in making decisions and I let it happen. I slowly withered away into a shell of myself who when I finally broke free and moved in with my parents, I was a person who had very limited ability to make decisions for myself or my daughter. That is why living with my parents for a while was so helpful with childcare and my emotional stability.
As my divorce attorney described, it was the theory of the frog in the boiling pot of water. The theory explains in the beginning the frog gets in willingly because the warm water isn’t so bad and he can tolerate it. But ever so slightly over time the water gets heated up more and more until the heat is so unbearable the frog is just boiling, and by then it is too late to get out, he is stuck. And this relates to coercive control as a similar situation. The yelling, fighting, control, and abuse get so much worse over time, but it goes essentially unnoticed until it is too late and the circumstances are so bad that it is hard to get out.
My daughter is about to turn 7, and I left when she was almost 1 year old, so that is nearly 6 years of healing from the abuse and trauma. The healing has been hard and slow because I still have to talk to or see my ex-husband every week or several times a week for co-parenting switches and issues/logistics and it is hard. The one thing that I wish about the situation is that I had less direct contact with my ex-husband, but with my daughter being too young for a cell phone there is no way for me to communicate with her except through him when she is in his care unfortunately.
One really positive boundary I have established this year was blocking his number and only communicating through a co-parenting application. It has made such a difference in improving his behavior toward me and he has less direct access to me than he did via text and calls when he was unblocked. We can still communicate through email but that is also a less direct way of communicating. This boundary has helped a lot but it has also driven my ex-husband crazy and he has gone so far as to attack me on the app to demand me to unblock him so he can essentially attack and harass me some more, which is so weird!
In conclusion, I wish I hadn’t been through what I went through in my marriage with my ex-husband, it was so unnecessary, and I wish the coercive control would stop regarding co-parenting. I think all abuse survivors feel this way to some extent. I am hopeful that things will get better though.
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