Center of Attention

A few years ago, well more than a few years now, a friend of mine mentioned in a derogatory way that I always liked to be center of attention. At the time I didn’t think much of it, maybe I did, oh well, I think I had some sort of bogus response about our halloween costumes and how I had been assigned the leading character in our group costumes, so it wasn’t really my fault. But thinking about it years later I think the dig went deeper than our group halloween costumes. I think she was fundamentally cutting me down about a part of myself I had worked so hard to achieve, being previously a very shy person.

Before I got sick (diagnosed with Bipolar disorder) I was a very shy person, deathly shy. I always wanted to fly under the radar and be the least noticed person in the room. But all that changed experiencing bouts of mania. I lost all inhibition and it was freeing. I started to incorporate that attitude into my regular personality when I was stable and well too, it felt so good to be my true authentic self finally. And years with my ex-husband perfected this persona, I definitely was not shy anymore being put in so many uncomfortable social situations with him.

And I grew to love this about myself because it was so different than who I was growing up. I no longer scanned the room to see how people were reacting, worried I had said or did something wrong. That burden and social anxiety had been completely lifted and it was invigorating to feel so free.

So when my friend mentioned I always seeked to be center of attention I didn’t immediately take it as a dig as I later realized that comment was intended. I almost took it as a badge of honor, overcoming my previously shy self to seek attention and love it like never before.

I have become more shy again after leaving my ex-husband and gaining weight from all the stress and moving to a new part of Houston where I don’t know anyone and trying to make all new friends. All of these factors have contributed to me losing my confidence some and becoming more unsure of myself again. I have since lost touch with the friend that once accused me of attention seeking, but if I could, I wish she could get to know the even more truly authentic me now. The quietly confident girl who isn’t seeking the attention of the whole bar but quietly holding her own in a meaningful conversation with friends.

I think now that I have lost some of the attention seeking and outlandish behavior, but kept some of the true inner confidence gained in that attention seeking era, I have become my best self. And that is the ultimate goal right? To all be our true authentic selves and live our best lives? I am getting there, I am closer than I ever have been to achieving that goal!