Abuse takes many forms

My favorite blanket lists the quote “If somebody loves you they will let you nap”, and I love this quote because it is so true!

My ex-husband wouldn’t let me nap unless he was napping as well all throughout our marriage and this should’ve been a red flag in itself. But when I was postpartum, on maternity leave, with a newborn baby, and he wouldn’t let me nap that was next level torture and it may have been one of my main breaking points pushing me toward filing for divorce.

I was a new mom and I was not doing well mentally or physically after my daughter’s birth. I needed rest, I needed to recuperate, for both my brain and body and my ex-husband wouldn’t let me. He set off Alexa alarms when he was at work and could tell by lack of movement in the house that I was resting and this woke up my baby too, who desperately needed rest as well. He wasn’t physically harming us, I mean the threat was always there though (when he chased me up the stairs slamming doors and punching walls, when he threw my heavy set of keys with multiple heavy and sharp key chains at me hitting my shoulder while the baby resting on my other shoulder), but he was abusing us in other ways, abuse takes many forms.

The big one was he was financially abusing me and this was one of my main breaking points too. I couldn’t take it any longer how unfair our situation was. How he could spend hundreds of dollars on meat for the freezor, or tools he would barley use, or liquor to make sure the liquor cabinet was always full, and I couldn’t buy a shirt for myself, or a different scent of body wash till my other bottle ran out, or a bow or book for my daughter. We had a dual income and we were both each making good salaries but when it came to my needs or wants we somehow didn’t have enough money but anything he wanted for himself somehow we had all the money in the world and there was miraculously no budget.

By the time my daughter was almost a year old I had had enough. And I am so happy that I made the decision that I made to leave and did it when I did, early into her childhood. She asks me now that she is in first grade and understands more, “why we can’t live together?” and I think this is because she hates the back and forth of two houses and two sets of rules, and that is totally understandable, but I answer her by explaining that her dad and I can’t get along and there would be alot of fighting if we lived together which would be hard on everyone. She shrugs and seems upset but willing to let it go having experienced the wrath of verbal abuse at her dad’s house herself.

At this point I couldn’t go back. It has taken almost 7 years for my nervous system to get back to normal and regulate itself after years of yelling and verbal abuse. There is no way I can chance the abuse getting worse by going back. And I am so much happier as a person, internally, without someone cutting me down or undermining my decisions leading me to question myself and my reality constantly aka psychological abuse. I am a better mom now that I am happier and more confident in myself and my decisions and that is the best thing for my daughter.

I made a bad decision dating and marrying my ex-husband and I will probably pay for it the rest of my life. But God knew what he was doing blessing me with my sweet daughter. While maybe girlfriend or wife was never a title that suited me I was made to be a mom, and to be her mom, and I will never regret that. So while co-parenting with someone difficult who has spent years abusing me that I am still recovering from is an awful experience that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies, it is so worth it to provide a seperate and safe, happy, calm, peaceful home for my daughter, and I will always be grateful I was able to do that regardless of the years I suffered to get there.